Loss, Guilt and Regret: Is it too late to correct a mistake?

After a death, there are many emotions floating around in the hearts of those left behind. Most common are grief and sorrow, but others are more difficult to pin down and deal with biblically. For example, how is one supposed to handle guilt or regret? These feelings are not unfamiliar to me, as I have experienced them after the losses of friends and family members. As I have sought to deal with my thoughts and feelings in a biblical manner, I have come up with the following list of steps, which I trust might be helpful to other believers who are dealing with regret after a loss.

1.      Confess your sin to God.

As you look back, you might be able to think of ways in which you sinned against the person who passed away, either by commission or omission. Perhaps you had spoken unkindly to them or entered into a conflict that was left unresolved. Or maybe you regret that you did not make more of an effort to bless them while they were still here. If there is any way in which you sinned against this person, recognize that your sin was not ultimately against them but against God. When David confessed his murder of Uriah to God, he acknowledged, “Against you, you only, have I sinned and done what is evil in your sight…” David could not right his wrong or reconcile with Uriah this side of heaven, but he acknowledged his need to be forgiven by the One ultimately offended. If such was true of a murder, how much more of your sins? Confess your sin to God and ask for His forgiveness.  Be assured that “if we confess our sins, He is faithful and just to forgive our sins and to cleanse us from all unrighteousness” (I John 1:9). 

2.      Trust in God’s sovereignty.

Perhaps you have not sinned against the one who passed away, but you still harbor regrets. Maybe you wish that you had been able to say goodbye or to experience certain things with that person before they died. Or you wish that you had cultivated a deeper relationship with them. Whatever your past sins or present regrets, you can rest in the sovereignty of God. He is in control, and He is working all things for His glory and the good of those who follow Him (Romans 8:28-29). In light of God’s sovereignty, there is no room for “what if’s” or “if only’s”. We simply need to trust His good and sovereign plan as being best for our lives.

3.      Focus on repentance, not penance.

If you have been convicted of ways in which you need to change…then do so! Let your sorrow be a godly sorrow that leads to repentance, not a worldly sorrow that leads only to guilt and regret (II Corinthians 7:9-10). If you have sinned in the past, then may this be the moment that you turn from that sin and walk in a different direction. Do not wallow in failure or regret. Do not continue to beat yourself up over what God has forgiven as if feeling bad will somehow compensate for your sin. By doing so, you only compound your sin and spit on the sacrifice of Christ, saying that it is insufficient to cleanse you. We are forgiven, not because we deserve it, but because we have been given the righteousness of Christ (II Corinthians 5:21). We cannot and should not do penance as an effort to make up for our sin. Repentance should flow from a heart that is forgiven and desires to change out of gratitude for that forgiveness. Make this time of conviction an opportunity to change for the long-haul, not because of guilt but as an outpouring of gratitude for the forgiveness you have been freely given through Christ Jesus.  

4.      Remember that it’s not about you. 

When you focus on your own guilt and regret, you can become blinded to the fact that it’s not all about you. Take your eyes off yourself and fix them on Christ. In whatever way you might have failed the person who passed away, you are suffering the effects of that failure far more than they ever could. They have now passed into eternity and are no longer affected or upset by your past actions. If you continue to dwell on those failures after seeking God’s forgiveness, you may be making this all about you and your own merits. Instead, look for how you can serve others who are suffering from this loss. Make this time about helping and comforting them, not dwelling on your own regret.

A final word of caution: Please do not unburden yourself by dumping your regrets on the surviving family members. They are not your priests, and you do not need their absolution. They have enough of their own emotions to process without sifting through yours, as well. Bring your burden to the cross and leave it there.